The Voices In My Head
Something new has happened in the last couple years. I have had a new realization – I started noticing a voice inside my head that I had not noticed previously. The thing is, I know it has always been there. And, before you think I have totally fallen off my rocker, it isn’t like I am schizophrenic; it is my thoughts – not something outside. I had thoughts and judgments that I was not fully conscious of. Why they have become louder and something I notice now I am not so sure.
What I first noticed is that I had a voice that was providing guidance. This voice would provide me information on a situation around me; a voice that would trigger a physical feeling. It would tell me the person I was speaking to, or the decision I was making in the moment was not someone positive for my life, or that it was not something I wanted to be doing. I would immediately not trust it and I would rationalize it away. I would basically argue the true guidance away.
The next thing I noticed was the judgment and critical voice around all that I did. If I watched a few hours of TV instead of cleaning the house; if I didn’t get enough done, if I didn’t do something at work that I thought I needed to do this voice came out like a vengeance. It beat me up – it drove guilt, it argued with a part of me that was trying to be easier on me.
I came to a realization recently through visiting some past history, where some very clear understanding of what not listening to that initial guidance led to. By not listening to my instincts, my intuition, my gut feelings — I made choices – that had I listened to the gut feelings, may not have been made in the same way. Obviously, these choices have all brought me to where I am today (a place that I would never want to change). Although I do see where I was stalled in some areas of my growth, I continued to strive to look inside and grow and be a better person. Today, I see where I have been living in a protective shell, hiding away from the truth – hiding from being able to be authentic and real with others and myself. The voice has provided me visibility into many things about myself. And, I am just beginning!