Scripts & Boundaries
I have been listening to a recording of a teaching around A Course In Miracles – led and taught by Tama Kieves. Something that came up on one of the recordings really gave me an AH HA moment. The topic was around forgiveness. I believe this is such a hot topic in everyone’s life. There seems to always be something going on around us that in order for the cycles in the mind to stop; the need to forgive and move on is at the heart of it. Some of these are easy – someone at work said something that triggered hurt – it isn’t a big enough deal to deal with any conflict around because you notice your own sensitivity in it, so you forgive (and easily forget) it. A former boss indicated that one thing that is good to do is to look at it and ask yourself – “are you going to remember this in 5 years?” Then there are those harder ones. They are around our families, an intimate relationship or something that left us feeling hurt and betrayed. Perhaps it has become OUR STORY.
This idea of “scripts” was a lightbulb going on for me. I can now find myself understanding the reason I sometimes get upset, hurt, angry, or have my mind spinning around something that has occurred – I can clearly see that the person is not acting from my script. Although I would have always told anyone that I don’t have expectations of people, I have – in fact – still been expecting people to do things in certain ways in some circumstances. Return phone calls, texts, respond in a more loving way to me; honor and show me that they feel I am a worthy person. So, as my head does with these things, I started spinning on some of my current situations. The question that then came up for me, – does that mean we allow the treatment that isn’t following the script?
There isn’t one answer. It depends. So what does it depend on? My answer. If someone crosses your boundaries then we don’t allow it. I found the following definition for emotional boundaries at www.psychcentral.com: “they distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.”
We have the right to have boundaries and when we have someone or something cross our boundaries we do not need to allow that person in our life.