Learning, Letting Go & Growing – I Hope!
The idea of the inner child and adult are not new to me. I have read much material around this concept. The concept is something we can wrap our minds around to understand the inner workings of our mind and resulting actions. Reading Healing Your Aloneness; Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child (by Erika J. Chopich and Margaret Paul), I have learned and have been slowly becoming to realize I (my inner child actually) has been working to achieve some sense of connection. I am disintegrated and it has come out in different ways (Including all those voices in my head!). My personal relationships is where this hits hard. There is a part of me dying to be loved. Wanting to be appreciated, to be wonderful. This reaches out in all areas of my life. Along with this book; I also learned my personality type according to the Enneagram (details of this will be saved for another blog!). I have discovered and believe myself to be a Four. Fours are operating from an underlying feeling of abandonment and unworthiness – they look at others as better than them and struggle with that “envy”.
All of this manifests in my life in different ways. At work, it manifests in different ways and I can see how it has definitely been a part of my success. At home, I seesaw back and forth around what must get done around the house. In my personal relationships I am quick to open up and trust, but also very quick to believe myself to not be worthy and often close or end a relationship, or keep myself at an arm’s length. All of this is based in feelings of fear. Fear of being left, fear of not being loved.
Opening up to someone is a gift. What I have to give and offer to others is a gift. Because I am coming from a place of loneliness I accept less than optimal situations and allow people into my life that can’t or don’t provide back to me on an equal level. I now see this as my lack of boundaries based on the very needy place that part of me is coming from. The loving adult in us needs to be the part that protects and creates these boundaries.
There has been this idea that spiritually we must let go of the old to allow room for the new. I’ve done a whole lot of letting go over the past 3-4 years. A business, a job, a marriage and some other very special connections. There are a handful of times in my life that because of my fear I have turned my back on what may have been very healthy and good relationships. I went for the easy, distant and painfully familiar connections that were not authentic and truly intimate – but this has been safe for me. I didn’t have to get close and therefore hurt.
I’ve given to people that are not able to give back. At times they are emotionally shut down (probably just as scared as me!); or they have things going on in their lives that keep them from being an equal partner in our relationship and I have made efforts to keep them in my life. I am beginning to see where this may have been at the expense of something. The journey to finding myself worthy is
Growing – I Hope!
It seems that I am being called to find the adult that through having a daughter is learning the true value and need of loving, caring and taking care of another. In the sense of taking care of myself I need to set boundaries that only allow those that can be a true intimate partner. By the way, I will mention that although this seems to be played out in my male friends and relationships it can and has happened with female friends as well. The difference is that the relationships with the opposite sex are filled with allowing more of myself to become connected to them and can therefore become filled with deeper feelings and pain. I only recently began truly letting some female friends in and it has been one of the most fulfilling things for me. I am grateful for this learning. As I walk this journey; I know there can not be a mistake; only lessons full of learning and growth.